It's Been a Minute

 I haven't written here in years. I have written much in years. Well, that's not entirely true. I raged in my journal every few months. I participated in a writing mentorship where I...raged in every assignment given to me. My Notes app is filled with paragraphs and one-lines and sometimes even just a few words of, you guessed it, rage. 

My body has carried it in a multitude of ways, as bodies are often want to do. 

The rage and the pain and the grief settled into every part of me. I carry it in my bones, this white hot grief that I could not reconcile or understand no matter how many times I turned it over, examined it, poked at it. 

I resisted it, even as I sank into it. It is not becoming to let rage settle into your being. Women's hearts should be tender and docile, even as they crumble into ash. A Christian woman's heart? Well, forget it. 

Submissive

Quiet

Compliant

"Bear one another's burdens" turns into "bear his burden. bear his anger. bear his sins. Bear it with a smile, because the men are speaking and you are so loud when you exist." 

The last couple (few? five? ten? thirty-five?) years have been...exhausting. Confusing. Devastating. 

Eye opening

Educational

Freeing

I am going to start posting here again, even just for a bit. I'm going to try to not spend too much time editing or perfecting it. Some of it will be things I have written privately over the past few years. Some of it will be new. All of it will be me processing, in all of the messy, broken, beautiful sense of the word. 

I imagine it will be uncomfortable.