Sunday, August 16, 2015

Homecoming Haikus

The Fun Parent
Kids all weekend long
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
O.M.G. I KNOW



Killing Me Slowly/Quickly 
Time is different
when you're gone. Slower days, years
taken from my life



Happy Homecoming 
You're home! Praise God! Your
kid just threw up in the car
Welcome back, Daddy! 


the good life. 










Saturday, August 15, 2015

Me vs. Motherhood


My brain.

GUYS. MY BRAIN.

Do you know how much kids can talk? I mean, we all "know", but seriously, DO YOU KNOW how much kids can talk? And sing and bicker and scream and laugh and cry and and and just

all.

the.

talking.

Friday, August 14, 2015

A follow up to "The Voice" post (and being a giant mess)

A few months ago I wrote this post about the evil, ugly voice residing in my head. It was born out of a very real place of fear, and came after days and weeks of feeling depleted and frustrated. I was so sick of the self loathing that kept me from being productive that I just dumped all of the raw emotions I was feeling into a post, hit publish, and said "good riddance, dummy!"

It wasn't enough to just write it down. I needed to purge everything and set fire to that stupid voice. I wanted it out and away from me. Clicking "publish" felt like saying a giant, "Screw you!" to all the hateful things I was feeling about myself at that time.

 The post about the voice showed very little restraint. I felt pretty broken and I did almost nothing to sugar coat how I felt versus what I chose to share. I made little effort to talk about some powerful way to crush the voice and only briefly touched on what helped to calm the inner beast. I didn't feel positive before, during or right after writing it, and I stubbornly wanted that to be very apparent.

I wanted it to be clear that I didn't have the solution to my problem. Or better yet, that I logically knew the solution to my problem, but right in that moment I was still struggling to get to it. I was still clawing my way through the mess. There was no shiny bow to wrap up the loose ends; no fist pump freeze frame or soaring music. Nothing to indicate that the story was finished, simply because it wasn't.

I worry that when I use this space to address a personal struggle or vulnerability, that it comes across as if I've already completely worked through it and am now bestowing my "wisdom" on the world.

Ugh.

Even just writing that makes me cringe. It is so easy to fall into the trap of "beginning, middle, end of story." The ability to have that metaphorical shiny bow wrapping everything up is so constant and tempting. And false. The truth is I almost always struggle with the more "serious" (for lack of a better term) posts. Partly because I'm usually still working through whatever topic is on my heart at the time. And partly because I want to be open and honest and convey those things in a way that rings true to who I am.

Nothing in my life is without it's loose ends or messiness. That's easily identifiable if you've spent any time with me in person (or even just passed me in the grocery store as I try to keep my baby from jumping out of the cart while his sisters beg for donuts). But hopefully I'm doing a semi-decent job of expressing that here, in a place where it would be easy for me to paint a different picture instead.

In short, I'm a giant mess without all the answers.

(Thank God)

Thursday, August 13, 2015

An Early Morning Surprise


I'm not super awesome with early mornings, which is great because I have three kids and they hate waking up really early, too. 


...


......


...............


Sorry, I just got lost in a day dream where that was actually real life. My children love early mornings. LOVE. In a very loud, foot stomping, you-have-to-whisper-Mabel-I-AM-WHISPERING-ELLA- type way. 

It's fun. 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Five Posts in Five Days (nothing could possibly go wrong)

Dan is currently on his way down to Chicago to spend the week with our church youth group at Jesus People USA. They'll work in soup kitchens and shelters, showing the love of Christ in a very real and tangible way to the people there.  I am home (because Matty refuses to just take care of himself already. You're almost ten months old, kid. Time to get a job and stop living off the man. Or in this case, woman), running a much smaller, intimate kitchen, praying that the tangible way I show Christ's love this week is more hugs and patience, and less pulling my hair out while tossing goldfish crackers at the brood.

Since Dan is gone and my evenings are suddenly devoid of meaning (JOKING. I don't need a man to find meaning in my life. I have Netflix and pizza for that), I've decided to try and post something here every day for the next five days. Which really just shows shockingly bad judgement on my part. The commitment of five posts in five days coupled with the commitment of keeping my children alive and relatively healthy by myself in those same five days is akin to that guy who chose to walk across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope (stupid and irresponsible and also STUPID). But I once owned a Backstreet Boys album, so shockingly bad judgement is kind of my forte (#nsync4eva).

I can't promise you any amazing insight or wisdom (ever, really. So just lower those expectations real quick like, por favor), but I can promise you that I'll talk about how tired I am, how tired my kids are not, and what shows I plan to binge watch once I throw the kids into their cages rooms for the night (Spoiler alert: it's always Parks and Recreation. Always).






Monday, August 3, 2015

Knowing

A reoccurring discussion I have with Dan is whether or not we are actively seeking out the life God has called us to, both as a couple and individually. I spend a lot of time talking about what that might look like, how we might better prioritize our time and energy to achieve it, and reevaluating when it seems like we've lost focus. 

Did you notice how everything I wrote is centered on the things could do to achieve our "best" life? Yeah, that's a pretty common theme for me.