Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Voice that Never Shuts Up

I spend a lot of time actively rooting against myself.

Part of me wants to succeed (however that may be) so badly. I want to create and be bold and release things out into the world, if only to say that I did. I've got some serious Ariel in an underwater cave longing, to do and be more. More than the stupid loud Voice in my head says I'm not.

I start to write and the Voice says, "Are you being serious right now? This is literally the most contrived piece of garbage I have ever read. Bravo."

I go to hit "Publish" and that Voice sneers, "This is a giant mistake. Literally. Everything you just wrote is a mistake. Also, it's not funny. And you're weird."

I look into possible online contributing jobs when I think that stupid Voice is asleep and quick as lightning it's awake. "Oh this is rich. How on earth do you think you're smart enough to contribute to anything? You dropped out of college and got married at nineteen. Who would want to read anything you write? Your mom maybe, but that's because you keep distracting her with shiny grandchildren. This is the dumbest idea you've ever had." 

Doesn't that sound awful? When I write it out and look at it, I'm exhausted. It's a crappy way to live a life, and yet here I am. Living a life where I ferociously attack myself on the regular.

I'll tell you what, that Voice is straight up irritating the crap out of me lately. Even when it doesn't have anything new to say it's still saying something. And when it speaks I freeze up. I listen just long enough to lose my nerve. And then I can't figure out how to finish the post I was once excited about, or I start to think how easy it would be to just slowly fade away from what I've started. I shrink back and try to become less. 

That dumb Voice wants me to be less. Less than what, I really don't know. Vulnerable, content, at peace, joyful, take your pick. How much backing down and backing out do I have to do before it's satiated? Is there ever a point where it becomes full and fat and lazy because I've finally been put in my place, or does it just find new flaws to sink its teeth into? My hunch is the latter and that's a terrifying future to stare into.  

I wish I could say there was one tried and true way to silence the Voice for good, but if there is I haven't discovered it yet. Sometimes my only solution is to slowly claw my way through it, occasionally stopping to lay under the weight of the hateful words and cry a little bit (which I most definitely did not do as I wrote this. No wait, yes I did). Other times I speak out loud what it has yelled into my head and heart and I get a little slap of heaven from those who love me, but who think the Voice is a giant moron. That helps the most. 

Forward motion, however small or insignificant, is still a victory. And today the victory won is hitting "Publish" when the Voice is louder than ever.

(Put that in your pipe and smoke it, dummy)


  1. Who is your inner voice? It's interesting that you classify your inner voice as a "he." Yet you are not

    1. You're right, I am not. :)That's just a slip-up. Except for that one line (..."he's awake") I refer to it, as well, "it."