Thursday, March 17, 2016

In Accordance with the Laws of Parenting

In accordance with the Laws of Parenting, the following list must be fulfilled in the 24 hours before one or more parents can leave on a trip sans children. 

  1. Children must start to sense parent's impending freedom and collectively start to lose their minds.
  2. Children of home-schooling age must start to react to their school work as if it literally burns their very souls to be near it. Bonus points if schooling that normally takes 1.5 hours to finish can be dragged out to 3+ hours. 
  3. One child (preferably the youngest) must spill grout sealer all over the bathroom floor as parent desperately tries to get ready for work (for which they are already late) while simultaneously trying to help crying home-school aged child with school work (see above: dragging school work out for reference). 
  4. One or more children must have 2+ baths in less than 12 hours (see above: grout sealer for reference).
  5. Youngest child must develop ear infection symptoms for the second time in 5 weeks. Adjust sleep schedule accordingly (read: zero sleep). 
  6. Parent must take symptom-ed child to doctor to confirm ear infection.
  7. At least one child must complain of not feeling well on the way to said doctor.
  8. At least one child must vomit in the car as parent pulls into said doctor's office.
  9. Parent must grip and shake steering wheel in utter frustration. Bonus points for yelling, "WHAT THE HECK, GOD?! ENOUGH!"
  10.  Parent must have frantic back and forth phone calls with other parent trying to decide if evening responsibilities must be changed (see above: ear infected child and vomiting child for reference). Bonus points if one parent continually says, "I don't know! I can't make any more decisions! DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY DAY HAS BEEN LIKE?"
  11. Wait in tiny hot room for 25 minutes to confirm that youngest child does have an ear infection and vomiting child doesn't have the flu, but mere car sickness (please refrain from high fiving said doctor in accordance with the Laws of Appropriate Interactions with Your Doctor).
  12. Fulfill said evening responsibilities. Bonus points if parent can find one or more friends to hug tightly and have them lie by saying, "No, you totally don't have crazy eyes right now."
  13. Put children to bed roughly 2 hours after normal bedtime. Again, allowance for sleep schedule adjustment for child with ear infection is needed (see above: zero). 
  14. Both parents must sit in a zombie like state on the couch until pizza and DVR-ed sitcoms talk them off the ledge. 
  15. Parents must recount the horrors of the day and laugh. Bonus points if parents can keep laughter from turning into hysterical crying. 
  16. Parent who is leaving must wake up, throw random pieces of clothing in nearest bag, drop said children off with grandparents, and breathe a sigh of guilt relief. Bonus points if parent misses the beautiful little hooligans terribly, despite above stated collective mind loss.. 

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